Many people past a certain age must wonder what might happen if they got a second chance with someone they loved when they were young.
A chance with the one that got away, to make it stick the second time around.
My ex-husband’s parents married in their twenties, had five children, divorced, then reunited a few years later and remarried until death parted them.
So when our marriage disintegrated, my ex assumed it would be a mere hiatus. However, within weeks of us splitting up, I bumped into someone I had dated when I was sixteen years old.
He was a few years older than me and a drummer in a band that had just got a record deal. Suddenly they were on Top of the Pops and whizzed off to tour America to become rich and famous. I stayed home to do my A-levels and so our lives went separate ways.
On that fateful day when we met again, he immediately asked me out for dinner and declared he’d always thought I was a missed opportunity. We dated and quickly moved in together. We are together still.
I’d love to say it’s been an easy ride, but we had baggage and past hurts that needed to be addressed. We’ve worked at it. There is the familiarity of a shared connection, similar backgrounds and the joy that we have now managed to stick at a relationship that has challenges but also a lot of love.
When I’d asked my ex-husband’s mother why she had gone back to her first husband, she fixed me with a cheeky look and said, ‘better the devil you know’. Then she laughed raucously. I murmured that they were like Liz Taylor and Richard Burton, and indeed they did have a passing resemblance. Only ‘DickenLiz’ couldn’t make it stick the second time around.
I’m on good terms with my ex-husband, and whilst I’m happy in my own second chance relationship, I wonder if it crosses his mind as we meet for lunch and a catch-up, whether if at some point I may be free again, we might eventually end up together once more, especially given what happened with his own parents.
Until it happened to me, the idea of rekindling a past love was really only a romantic notion viable for superstars; Justin and Hailey Bieber, Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom, the infamous ‘Bennifer’ (although they have sadly parted ways once more). Even Kate and Wills split before becoming possibly our most successful ever married royal couple.
From my own experience I have found that rekindling a past love can be easy to slip back into. Like any relationship, it takes work, but strong attractions can stand the test of time. Perhaps we first fall for a special someone at a time when we lack the patience, experience and maturity to make it work. Perhaps we needed to live another life before returning to something we couldn’t see through when we were younger.
Surname changes can be an issue. My own changed a couple of times as a child with my mother marrying, divorcing and marrying again. When I got married myself my surname changed for a fourth time. The only constant names are my first and middle ones, so I’ve adopted my middle name as my surname and intend to keep it whether I marry again or not.
The common thread that runs through second chance relationships is a special connection that never quite goes away. It’s the knowing of someone; someone who knew you then and who knows you now. It’s about having a common past, similar memories and shared experiences and not having to explain things. Someone who shared a part of your life. Knowing someone intimately before can also make sexual relations easier in later life. You know their body and they know yours. Familiarity, it seems, breeds love. Age and experience can make that second chance stick.
So perhaps if you find yourself single in later life and an old flame gets in touch, don’t dismiss it out of hand. Don’t block them and lament what might have been. It’s often worth giving love a second chance.
Since sharing my own experience with friends and acquaintances, I’ve come across others who also have their stories of second chance love…
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Finn and Chloe*
Finn and Chloe were each other’s first loves, dating in sixth form. They continued their relationship through uni where the strain of long distance led them to split in the lead-up to their finals.
Finn quickly met and married someone else. On the eve of the marriage to his first wife, Finn’s bride posited the question of which surname to take once the nuptials had taken place. She came from a family of Eastern European immigrants who had an unusual last name which she was keen to keep. Hers were the only branch of the family who had survived various pogroms and revolutions. It was unusual, she said, but would he consider changing his surname to hers? Finn obliged.
After their third child and a tumultuous house move, cracks began to show in the marriage leading to a difficult divorce. As a single man, Finn was understandably keen to keep the surname he shared with his three children, and so he did.
A chance encounter at a party led to him reuniting with Chloe. They easily fell into step with each other, quickly moving in and co-parenting the children from their respective marriages. They soon decided to marry each other. They had always remained friends and cared for each other with no significant past hurts to repair.
Chloe was keen to shed the surname from her first marriage, whilst Finn still wished to keep the surname that his children also shared, so when they married Chloe took Finn’s surname (the surname of his first wife). Naturally this raised some eyebrows, and none more so than those of his first wife who was somewhat enraged that he had not only kept her family’s special and rare name, but now another unrelated person was also using it.
There were some heated exchanges, culminating in a couple of vehement declarations, reminiscent of ‘I am Spartacus’. Chloe and Finn have now been married to each other longer than their first marriages lasted. A further twist is that they moved to Eastern Europe, renovating an old castle which they run as a successful wedding venue where their adopted name fits in very well.
* - names changed for anonymity
Sacha and Stuart
Sacha first met Stuart back in their Midlands home town. She was twenty-one and he was eighteen. She was dressed for a night out and he was visiting a neighbour. Peering out of the living room window, he caught sight of her and was instantly besotted. In a Richard Curtis-type moment of love-at-first-sight, he ran to the local garage to get a bunch of flowers which he left on the doorstep for her return. Sacha was flattered but nothing much came of it as she soon went on an extensive period of travelling before moving to London to work in music PR.
Stuart went on to meet the mother of his eldest daughter, whom he was with for 20 years. He stayed in the Midlands, setting up his own successful aggregates company. The end of that relationship coincided with the wave of reconnections that came with the advent of Facebook. Stuart spotted Sacha’s profile through a mutual connection and got in touch.
Sacha was now living in Brighton; Stuart had remained in the Midlands. He was separating from his partner and keen to remind Sacha of his instant attraction to her all those years ago. They chatted on and off for a couple of years, developing quite a deep connection via their long online conversations, before eventually arranging a successful meet-up where the attraction in person was quickly confirmed to be very strong and absolutely mutual.
They started dating long-distance, but the strain of Sacha’s work commitments and Stuart’s responsibility as the main parent of his daughter made the relationship difficult to maintain. There were a few acrimonious exchanges and sadly they parted on unfriendly terms. Sacha felt he had made promises of a future that he was unable to commit to. Not prepared to be ‘just friends’ she deleted his number and eventually blocked him, but not before she had seen via his social media that Stuart had subsequently met and was due to marry someone else. She nursed her heartache for a long time, and even though she had a couple of other relationships, nothing compared to the connection she’d felt with him.
A decade later Sacha got a call out of the blue. She instantly recognised the voice on the end of the phone and her heart leapt with joy; all the old feelings came flooding back. He told her he was getting divorced and was hoping they could be friends again. However, Sacha felt incredibly vulnerable from their failed relationship and was unable to envisage establishing a friendship. In an attempt to protect herself from further hurt she cut contact after a week of chatting.
It was a further two years before she felt ready to date again. She unblocked Stuart and saw he had remained single as well. She tentatively sent a message; a simple, ‘hello… Are you OK?’ He messaged back and they started dating again within weeks. Now both in their 50s and not wanting to waste any more time apart, things have rapidly developed into a serious and committed relationship. They are currently looking for a place in which to make their first home together.
Stuart still feels that the love-at-first-sight moment he experienced when he first saw Sacha all those years ago means they are meant to be together. Sacha is a little more practical but believes in destiny. Together, they are working on navigating the challenges of domestic life together and are determined that this time their relationship is for keeps.
Tracey and Kieran
Tracey and Kieran met when she was studying to become a teacher and he was training as a chef. She was working in a bar to supplement her student grant. He was one of the regulars.
Kieran was in an off phase of a long-term, on-again-off-again relationship that lasted many years. There was an instant attraction and they had a couple of flings with each other which would come to a halt when Kieran was pulled back into his troubled long-term relationship. Each time Tracey would be left a little bereft and vow never again. But their mutual attraction proved difficult to resist.
This went on for a couple of years until Tracey entered a serious, committed relationship with another man who, as fate would have it, was Kieran’s cousin. For over thirty years she would see Kieran in social and family situations and they always got on well.
However, Tracey’s long-term partner had a problem with alcohol. As his dependency grew the inevitable problems that accompany alcoholism took hold. Her partner began to experience health issues. Brittle bones led to a hip fracture and replacement, and he suffered chronic depression. He became housebound with severe mobility issues.
By now Tracey was the Head Teacher at an inner-city school which she had transformed from a problem school into a flagship gem – she was no stranger to extreme social challenges. By the time her partner had become sober, his health issues were already life-changing and terminal. His only social interactions were confined to friends and family who came to visit him; Kieran, now a head chef at a top hotel, being chief among them.
Thanks to Tracey’s ministrations, her partner’s final years were comfortable but he ultimately lost his battle to alcohol-induced liver cancer. His funeral was full of celebration and joy, mingled with sadness that this kind, quiet man had such an internal and physical struggle. Kieran was unstinting in his admiration and support of Tracey. He had his own struggles with alcohol (in common with many working in catering). It had pulled the relationship with the mother of his two children apart, ruined his career and impacted his health.
As Kieran and Tracey supported each other through their respective grief, they became close again, fell into an intimate relationship and moved in together. For Tracey, a relationship with another alcoholic was a big drawback but Kieran desperately wanted to rid himself of the demon alcohol and Tracey was prepared to help him.
His battle with sobriety has not been easy, but Tracey’s steadfast commitment and first-hand experience, together with their long-standing connection, has enabled them to navigate this journey together. They take every day one step at a time. It’s not without challenges, but they have a relationship with each other which is full of love and laughter.
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Sam Faith is a writer, director and deputy superintendent marriage registrar. Find her on Instagram @IamSamFaith